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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28325535">How to Fall in Love When You're Dead (A Guide by Dean Winchester)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anwamane_13/pseuds/Anwamane_13'>Anwamane_13</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon Compliant, Episode Fix-It: s15e20 Carry On, F/M, Happy Ending, M/M, Post-Canon Fix-It</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 17:33:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,931</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28325535</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anwamane_13/pseuds/Anwamane_13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>How Dean Winchester realizes that the love of his life is his best friend and, the moron that he is, he only finds that out after he’s already dead.</p><p>INTRODUCION</p><p>This article seeks to help the reader to solve unfinished business during his life on Earth. It is an observational interventionist study, based on the author's life. Some angels and demons were injured during the execution of the study, but the fact only serves as a background to illustrate the situations in which the author found himself and are important for the understanding of the facts.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>73</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Destiel Secret Santa Exchange 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>How to Fall in Love When You're Dead (A Guide by Dean Winchester)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I'm @lightforthedeadvine on Tumblr.</p><p>This fic was written as a gift for @localwhiskeylez.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>How to Fall in Love When You’re Dead</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>(A guide by Dean Winchester)</strong>
</p><p>This article seeks to help the reader to solve unfinished business during his life on Earth. It is an observational interventionist study, based on the author's life. Some angels and demons were injured during the execution of the study, but the fact only serves as a background to illustrate the situations in which the author found himself and are important for the understanding of the facts.</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>1.  When you’re still alive, be emotionally constipated.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>  </strong>
</p><p>Cas dies and Dean can’t get up, can’t look anywhere except at his wings, frail and broken shadows engraved on the ground. This is it. This time Cas’ death is for good. Dean isn’t ready for this, he can’t deal with this, he needs to get up and pretend he’s not there, kneeling on the ground next to his best friend’s body. His mind is empty and too full at the same time.</p><p>The thing is, Cas has died before, but Dean had never been left with his body to deal with. It makes his death more real somehow. So, he wraps the body with the old curtains, and he refuses Sam’s help. He doesn’t need anyone right now. They burn Cas, a hunter’s funeral. Dean listens to Sam trying to explain to a confused Jack that it’s time to say goodbye, but he can’t say anything. The flames are high and Dean can’t stop thinking that Cas deserved so much better than this. In the back of his mind there’s something he should have done, something he should have said, some way he could have showed Cas how appreciated he was. But Dean is not sure what it is, and he doesn’t want to know. He doesn’t want to feel anything, or rather, he can’t look at what he’s feeling too closely, or he’ll lose it.</p><p>Later, he loses it in booze, he punches the door until his knuckles bleed, he hates everything, he yells at Sam, he wishes he’d had kept Cas’ coat, so he could keep it in the Impala’s trunk, like before. He’s not sad, he’s <em>furious</em>. Stupid angel, getting himself killed like that. Stupid, stupid angel. Sam, the giant girl that he is, wants to talk, but Dean snorts and refuses to acknowledge anything that resembles a chick flick moment.</p><p>He doesn’t cry.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>2.  When someone tells you he loves you, don’t say anything.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    
  </strong>
</p><p>“I love you”, Cas says, and he puts his bloodied hand on Dean’s shoulder. He pushes Dean to the floor, and when the Empty comes, Cas has a slight smile on his lips. He looks…  in peace, almost. Angelic. And then he’s gone.</p><p>Dean thinks “why didn’t he tell me about the deal” and “this can’t be real” and “I need him to come back”. He looks at the wall and there’s nothing there indicating that his friend, the best friend one could ever have, just vanished through it.</p><p>Dean’s mind is running so fast he can barely keep up with it. Cas’ ‘I love you’ keeps ringing in his ears, playing in the back of his head, like a broken record. Dean is astonished. He had no idea. He didn’t <em>know</em>. He feels that this ‘I love you’ was very different from the ‘I love you, all of you’ Cas said when Crowley saved him from dying poisoned, with Dean, Sam and Mary not knowing what to do, how to stop Cas‘ death. Dean knows Cas meant a whole different thing this time; he could see it in Cas’ eyes. This time Cas meant the <em>love</em> kind of love. Dean had no idea an angel could even <em>feel</em> this kind of love. But if he knew, would it have changed anything? It’s not as if Dean would say it back, it’s not as if he deserves this love, an angel’s love. For fuck’s sake, it’s ludicrous.</p><p>Dean said nothing, he just kept shaking his head no and saying dumb things like ‘what are you talking about’ and ‘don’t do this’. He said nothing meaningful in Cas’ last moments, nothing his best friend could take with him to the Empty to justify the sacrifice he was making. He wonders if Cas thought he didn’t care, but probably not, because the stupid angel has always seen the best in him; something Dean is not even sure it’s there.</p><p>Cas said he loved Dean. And Dean didn’t say anything. He has no idea what he could have said, but he should have said something. Anything. Cas gave his life to save Dean’s, and Dean just stood there; just<em> let</em> him go.</p><p>His cell phone rings but Dean has no idea how to answer it. He looks at the wall again. He can’t speak right now, he’s not even worthy of speaking right now. Dean puts his hands on his head, cover his eyes, tries to leave the world outside for a while longer. His head, his heart, his whole being hurts.</p><p>This time he cries. This time Dean sobs.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>3.  After losing someone you care about, live the rest of your life pretending you’re ok with it.</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Miracle jumps on the bed and Dean holds his dog close for a while, taking comfort from his furry best friend. They grew very attached to each other, and so far, no one has come to claim the dog, so Dean is confident he’ll be able to keep it for good. He gets up, getting ready for another day of Sam making breakfast, going for a run, maybe calling Eileen or Jody and Donna. Dean will walk Miracle, maybe. Watch old reruns, make pancakes, even though Sam will complain one shouldn’t eat breakfast food for lunch, and have a tasteless salad, as always. Dean doesn’t care, Miracle will help him with the stack of pancakes. He still needs to finish filling the job application on his desk, but he’s not in a hurry. He has all the time in the world, right? No one is controlling them now, and Jack  sounded like he’d let things run free.</p><p>When Sam mentions Jack and Cas, Dean says they should keep on living, because that’s what Jack and Cas would want them to do. The truth is, he doesn’t want to talk about it, so he shoves a huge piece of pie into his mouth. He knows Jack is around, in every drop of rain and every wind, and inside and out of the bunker, like he said… but Dean’s almost sure they’re never gonna see him again, and he misses the kid. As for Cas… Dean has no idea what the Empty’s like, but an eternity of <em>nothing</em> sounds like an endless punishment worse than hell, and once again, he can’t help thinking that Cas deserved better. Before he can think how much he misses his best friend, he decides to focus on anything other than the dull ache inside him every time he thinks of Cas’ sacrifice. Cas died so they could live, and they’re gonna live, dammit.</p><p>Sam pushes pie into Dean’s face and hearing his laugh makes Dean think that everything is gonna be alright, eventually. His baby brother’s laugh is one of the things that keeps him going these days. He’s grateful for that. Content, if not happy.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>4.   A crucial point for doing something after being dead is dying. So… die.</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>This one is hard to explain.</p><p>Dean doesn’t want to die. But as it is, death comes in the most stupid way possible, and he doesn’t want to fight anymore. He’s tired. He doesn’t want Sam to call an ambulance, because it’s not gonna work and he doesn’t want the kid to get his hopes up. The rusty thing inside his lungs hurt like a motherfucker, it’s getting hard to breathe and his mind is fuzzy.</p><p>Sammy, he thinks. Sammy’s the most important thing here. Dean needs to tell his little brother how much he loves him, because he knows he hasn’t said it enough. He needs Sam to know he’s always been the most important thing in his life, ever since John put baby Sam in  his arms inside a burning house and told Dean to protect him. He needs Sam to know that Dean doesn’t regret being Sam’s mother, father, old brother and friend; he doesn’t regret not having a childhood because he knows, <em>he knows</em>, he gave Sam one; at least the best he could. Dean needs Sam to tell him he’ll be alright; that Dean can go in peace; that Sam will get a life for himself  after this.</p><p> </p><p><strong>         4.1 - Ignore any mention of your best friend and give only a small smile when being told he’s not in </strong> <strong>the Empty anymore;</strong></p><p>‘Cas helped’, Bobby says. Jack made this incredible Heaven for everyone and Cas helped. Bobby arches one eyebrow when he mentions Cas, and Dean pretends he doesn’t notice. He smiles slightly, comforted by the fact that his friend is not in the Empty anymore. He hoped, no, he <em>knew</em> Jack would set his chosen father free, but somehow, he never asked him. He doesn’t know why. He could say he was in some kind of daze, caused by the shock of everything that had just happened, but… it’s not an excuse; he should have asked Jack about Cas, and he didn’t. Sometimes Dean is really stupid.</p><p> </p><p><strong>         4.2 -  Spend </strong> <strong>forty something years driving and waiting for your brother to join you in the afterlife.</strong></p><p>Suddenly, Baby is there.</p><p>Although time moves different in Heaven, it’s a bit, well, <em>a lot</em> strange that right at the end of the long road, probably the Axis Mundi, Sam is there in the fucking bridge, as if he’d been waiting for Dean. Has Dean just spent forty years <em>driving</em>? Really? What about Mom and Dad? Why didn’t Dean go see them? What about Ellen and Jo, probably right there inside the Roadhouse,  where Bobby was… why didn’t Dean get inside? What about Cas? Isn’t it strange that Cas wasn’t there to welcome him to the afterlife? And… Dean didn’t do anything except wait for his brother for four decades? This is surreal.</p><p>The happiness he fells  when he hears Sam’s voice, though,  is indescribable. Somehow, he knows time has passed and Sam had a life, a <em>fucking normal apple pie life</em>, and Dean is so, so grateful his brother got to have that. As for him, he can finally stop worrying about the kid. Sam has always been Dean’s everything, and now it’s as if… his work is done.</p><p>“Eileen and I… it didn’t work; she… was traumatized, I guess. Being around a Winchester was more dangerous than any monster,” Sam says when they’re in the car, returning home, wherever the heck ‘home’ is. “And Dean’s mother…  she got pregnant; we hadn’t planned anything. She, um… didn’t know I was a hunter, so I kind of… I retired, started working as a paralegal. But we were too different, it didn’t work anyway, and she left when Dean was fifteen.”</p><p>“Dude, you named your kid after me?” Dean is all smiles.</p><p>“Dean Robert Winchester,” Sam says, proudly. “A great kid. Preferred his ink on his right arm.”</p><p>“You didn’t raise him as a hunter, did you?”</p><p>“Hell no,” Sam snorts, “but here and there a hunter came looking for advice, and… the kid was smart, figured there was something strange going on. And on his sixteenth birthday a shapeshifter moved to our backyard, so…”</p><p>“Shit.”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“What about the bunker?” Dean wants to know. If Sam worked in a law firm, what happened to the bunker?</p><p>Sam suddenly looks uncomfortable. “I, um… I gave it to Jody, Donna and the girls. They did a great job over the years, built a really big net, organized the branches… Claire and Kaia, they’re, like, top hunters in the country now.”</p><p>Dean raises his eyebrows. “Dude, that’s great, but…”</p><p>“I couldn’t do it, Dean,” Sam says in a hurry, earnest. “It wasn’t the same without you. There was no one else. I was alone, and I… I just couldn’t.”</p><p>Dean pretends he doesn’t feel a pang in his chest at hearing how bad it was for Sam. But hey, heaven or not,  he’s not gonna start a sharing and caring scene with Sam now, right? “What about Miracle?”</p><p>“Lived for twelve years more, was Dean’s best friend.”</p><p>“Dude, I’m never gonna get used to this. You named your kid after me. Wow, I mean… I know I’m important, but… didn’t know you couldn’t live without a Dean in your life,” Dean jokes.</p><p>But Sam is serious. “I really couldn’t.”</p><p>“No chick flick moments, Samantha,” Dean tries to lighten the mood, because, shit. He expected Sam to miss him, of course… but not like this.</p><p>Sam appears to take the bait. “Jerk.”</p><p>Dean laughs. “Bitch.”</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>5.  In Heaven, pretend you’re not looking for your Angel best friend.</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Mary and John live not far from the Roadhouse, just like Bobby said. Their house is a replica of the Lawrence house, the one that caught fire. Dean thinks it’s creepy that Mary ends up living in the same house in which she died, but hey, she seems happy. They both do.</p><p>“So, dad, how did you get this house? Not that I remember much of it, but me and Dean, we went back there for a case,” Sam asks, eyeing Mary, because well, she was the ghost that lived there. She just smiles quietly at him. “From what I can see, it seems just like the old one.”</p><p>John looks different. At peace. The lines on his face seem softer, leaving him with a younger appearance. Mary’s presence did this, Dean can’t help thinking. Having a forever with the love of your life can do this to a person. Not that Dean knows from experience since he’s never had a… never mind. Lisa was never the love of his life, and Dean doesn’t want to think about her; still hurts.</p><p>His father’s eyes radiate happiness. It’s a bit strange, in a good way. “We were together in our private heaven,” he tells. “But I confess, it was a little boring, because it never changed. Then they came,” he shrugs, “and everything changed.”</p><p>“They?” Dean asks.</p><p>Mary smiles. “Mostly, Jack. He came and… we had a serious talk. It was never his fault, how I came here. He was distressed, and I pushed too hard.” She holds John’s hand. “Jack said we shouldn’t be separated from the ones we loved, because there is space for everyone. So he opened all the doors, fixed all the bridges, and suddenly our friends, family… they were all there. We started to build a heaven where we could all live together…”</p><p>“And Cas suggested it would be a good idea if we lived in our old house,” John finishes. “He built this for us exactly as we remembered it.”</p><p>Dean arches his eyebrows. <em>Cas</em>? Since when is his father on a nickname basis with Cas? “You know him? Cas?” he can’t help asking.</p><p>“Of course he knows Cas,” Mary laughs. “he’s Jack’s right arm. Everyone knows him.”</p><p>“And where is he?” Dean asks.</p><p>Mary shrugs. “Around,” she says enigmatically.</p><p>Okay. Dean frowns a little. A guy dies and his best friend doesn’t come to greet him? Then he changes the subject, because really? Not a pleasant thing to think about.</p><p>-------</p><p>Ellen and Jo are still in the Roadhouse by the time Dean gets back there. Sam stayed behind with their parents. But Dean suddenly needs to see everything and everyone. As if he has already lost too much time. And, maybe he has, driving through the Axis Mundi, waiting for Sam. But hey, now he has all of eternity, right?</p><p>“So, how does it work? This heaven?” he asks, while Ellen pours him a one more shot of Johnny Walker.</p><p>“We just… live. We do what we want and see who we want. When Cas built this place for us, ‘cause I said I preferred to work; you know me, I’m no woman to sit still… anyways, he said that the things we’ve always wanted to do, but it was never the right time…”</p><p>“Or…” Jo smiles, standing beside her mother, “we were always busy killing the next monster… well, these things, we could do them all now, you know? And… it’s freeing, really.”</p><p>“Cas built this place” Dean repeats like a parrot, not really paying attention to what they’re saying. “You mean my friend, Cas.”</p><p>Ellen raises her eyebrows. “Do you know any other Cas?”</p><p>“Nope.”</p><p>It’s annoying, really. Cas built the Roadhouse for Ellen and Jo? That’s great, they more than deserve it, but… he didn’t take the time to see Dean when he arrived?</p><p> </p><p>------</p><p>Things are starting to get ridiculous.</p><p>Dean has visited and met a lot of people since he arrived. And apparently, since Jack decided to rebuild heaven, Cas has:</p>
<ul>
<li>Built a house for Bobby and Karen, and the woman was delighted by his manners. Such a handsome and polite ‘boy’.</li>
<li>Found Charlie’s mother, Gertrude Middleton, they had a teary and wonderful reunion and now they live together by the mountains, where the internet (in Heaven? Huh…) is better than any other place on Earth.</li>
<li>Rescued Kevin from ghost-life. The boy spends his days playing cello and going on dates with Channing. Linda Tran is around too.</li>
<li>Eileen died on a hunt a few years after Dean. Cas found her parents and she finally found her happy ever after with them.</li>
<li>Gave back Pamela’s eyes, and the psychic went traveling around the heaven-world, eager to <em>see.</em>
</li>
</ul><p>So, it’s Cas this, Cas that, blah blah blah. Dean is getting annoyed.</p><p>Oh! On top of that, Kelly Kline apparently sees him a lot. In fact, she sees him more than she sees her own son, since Jack is always busy being the almighty and all. How does Dean know? He finds Kelly by chance while walking around, and as soon as she greets him, she asks “Have you seen Castiel yet?” with a knowing smile. He hasn’t, of course. And then she wastes no time telling him how wonderful Cas is for helping Jack with the heaven thing, since her son is young and has a lot to do. Apparently, Cas and Kelly spend a lot of time together, talking. Dean changes the subject and leaves as soon as he can. He is not jealous, of course. Of course not.</p><p>Dean is not only annoyed now. He’s a little hurt. As if his friendship didn’t really mean anything for the angel. Part of him thinks it’s stupid, because Cas <em>loves</em> him, he said so, didn’t he? But his absence is telling. Somehow, Dean <em>knows</em> Cas doesn’t want to see him. He just knows.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>6.  When you see him, try to talk about the elephant in the room, even if he clearly doesn’t want to.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    
  </strong>
</p><p>It’s a bit strange, this heaven Jack has created. Because now time seems linear, and Dean has no idea how this happened, since it went by so fast before Sam arrived. But now there are days and nights and an endless string of people Dean wants to see and spend time with. So much, that he has no idea where he’s supposed to live, but he doesn’t ask anyone. He sleeps at his parent’s house, or Charlie’s place, or at Bobby’s. It’s a wonder he sleeps at all, because he really doesn’t need it; he’s dead, they all are. But they eat and drink and sleep, and they have long, long talks, like a never-ending party with all the burgers, pies and beer Dean could ever want.</p><p>It’s great.</p><p>Also, it feels a  little bit… empty.</p><p>So, Christmas comes. Apparently, this is a special time in heaven too.  There’s a party at the park and Dean finds himself in charge of the cheeseburgers. He’s there, by the grill, flipping the patties and making sure they don’t burn. Then Dean sees him.</p><p>He’s standing by the lake. Different clothes, the dark jeans and blue t-shirt look so unusual for him, but Dean would recognize that head of dark hair anywhere. Cas is not looking at him, he’s talking to a couple, an open smile on his face, so different from the burdened expression he always wore. Dean forgets about the grill and everything else. He just walks towards him, his heart thundering in his chest and a million questions in his head.</p><p>“Cas!” he calls before he reaches him, arms opening to hug him, and Cas turn his head, his very blue eyes wide and …</p><p>Oh.</p><p>There’s no immediate recognition in those eyes.</p><p>It’s not Cas. It’s Jimmy Novak.</p><p>Dean’s arms fall. “Jimmy,” he says, just to make sure. He deflates like an empty balloon.</p><p>“You’re… Dean, right?” Jimmy says, and shit, Dean should have never had mistaken him with Cas. His eyes are exactly the same, but Cas’ eyes sparkle when they look at Dean, and Jimmy’s just… don’t. And the voice, there’s no way this… generic,  normal voice could ever belong to Cas. Even his relaxed posture is completely different than Cas’.</p><p>“Yeah. Dean Winchester,” he says, because now he has to make small talk with the guy, and he really, really doesn’t want to. His chest gives a funny pang when he looks at him, and Dean thinks of Claire, for the first time really understanding what she went through whenever she looked at Cas and thought of her father. Dean is looking at one, wanting to see the other, because they look the same but they’re so, so different, and it’s just...disappointing doesn’t even get close.</p><p>“It’s good to see you, Dean,” Jimmy says solemnly. “Is your brother well?”</p><p>“Yeah, he’s… around.” Dean says, looking around, already knowing he won’t find Sam here, because his brother found Bobby’s library and, the big nerd he is, he must be reading somewhere, even though they don’t hunt anymore. “<em>But there’s so much lore here, Dean</em>!” he’s said, eyes sparkling.</p><p>“That’s great,” Jimmy says, and then he frowns a little. “Where’s Castiel?”</p><p>“How the hell will I know?” Dean lets out, then he looks at Jimmy apologetically. “Haven’t seen him.”</p><p>Now Jimmy looks a bit uncomfortable. “Oh, I’ve just put my foot in my mouth. It’s just that – that Castiel was always thinking about you when we were sharing my – my -” he gestures at himself.</p><p>They’re both saved by a burning smell.</p><p>“The burgers are burning, you idjit!” Bobby screams from somewhere, and Dean just looks at Jimmy, gives him a yellow half-smile and leaves, relieved. He never loved the smell of burning burgers so much.</p><p>----</p><p> </p><p>It’s late, everyone has gone home. Dean doesn’t have a home to go to, and he really doesn’t care about it right now. He’d be there alone, anyway. He has no idea how much time has passed since he came here, and it’s a bit disorienting. He’s sitting by the pond, where he saw Jimmy earlier. He’d be drinking right now, if he thought it would help him forget. Can you get drunk when you’re dead?</p><p>He’s not an ungrateful bastard. He knows he’s in heaven, and it’s – it’s just great, something he’d never thought he’d have. And wow, his family and dearest friends are here with him, and things couldn’t be better. He’s grateful for everything, and if Jack were here, he’d hug the hell out of the kid. Um… deity. Almighty. Whatever. Still, he’s one third Dean’s son, so he’ll call him kid if he wants to.</p><p>The thing is, somehow, he wants <em>more</em>. More than eternal happiness, and he feels a bastard for not being satisfied with eternal bliss. But he misses having something to worry about. He misses the bunker. Shit, he even misses hunting, even though thinking about his last hunt gives him chills. But most of all, he misses having Sam, Jack and Cas by his side, the four of them against the world. He misses Cas’ eyerolls, his deadpan lines, his lack of notion about personal space. His hand on Dean’s shoulder,  eyes solemn, glistening –</p><p>
  <em>“Goodbye, Dean.” </em>
</p><p>Before he knows it, Dean is half-keeling on the grass. “Cas, buddy, you got your ears on?” he prays, like he did so many times before. “I – I hope you can hear me, that you’re alright, that you’re happy now that you’re back home.” He sighs. He has no idea what to say. “I never thought I’d get a chance to pray to you again, but here I am.” Taking a deep breath, he forces himself to go on. “I miss you, man. And – and I know you’re avoiding me… I mean, I know I was a dick to you for so long that maybe – maybe you don’t wanna see me? You could… at least come and say goodbye, you know? I hear you see and help everyone and you never, never come to see me. And I have no idea why.”</p><p>A bark makes him look around, and suddenly a light brown, furry dog jumps to his arms. He half-falls sitting on the grass while he hugs his companion from long ago. “Miracle!” he greets the dog, and his heart feels lighter already just for seeing him.</p><p>“Hello, Dean.”</p><p>Dean turns his head so fast his neck hurts a little. “Cas,” he breathes. “You’re here.”</p><p>“Yes, um…” Cas gestures at Miracle. “I found your dog.” He’s dressed as always, white shirt, black suit, tan trench coat, tie askew. He looks awesome. He’s a few steps away, and he doesn’t come closer. The smile he gives Dean doesn’t exactly reaches his eyes; not that Cas smiled a lot. But he’s looking at Miracle now, like he’s avoiding looking at Dean. ”I hope all is well with you…?” he says lamely.</p><p>“All is – “ Dean sputters, disbelieving. “That’s what you have to say?” he closes the distance between them, stopping a few centimeters from Cas. “Where the hell have you been? I arrived here ages ago, and you haven’t come to see me.”</p><p>“Bobby was here to greet you.”</p><p>“Yeah, I’ve seen Bobby, Mom, Dad, Charlie, Jo, Ellen… even Jimmy freakin’ Novak. Everyone except you.”</p><p>Cas opens his mouth and starts to shrug, then aborts the movement, still looking at Miracle, perched on a log. “You don’t need me, Dean. You already have all you wanted. I made sure you have everything you could possibly want; everyone you love is here. Why should I come?”</p><p>“What the fuck do you mean?” Dean’s not sure he should be swearing in heaven, but hey, he was brought here like this, so they’ll just have to deal with him this way. “Because we’re friends, asshole!” he says, exasperated. Then, quieter, “because I missed you.”</p><p>“It’s not of import, you’re with your loved ones now.” Cas says, awkwardly. “I’m glad to see you’re doing well, and – “</p><p>“Stop it, Cas,” Dean says, frowning. This is not how he expected their reunion to be. “What’re you  talking about? I missed you man, every minute of every day, and – “</p><p>Cas finally looks at Dean, and he looks so sad Dean almost pinches himself to make sure he’s awake. “Jack had just rescued me from the Empty and he asked if I wanted to see you, and – “</p><p>“Whoa, whoa, whoa, you were brought back and you didn’t come to us?”</p><p>“I saw you, Dean. You were happy. Eating pie, laughing with Sam. And I decided to step aside and just let you have the life you deserve. You and your brother together, like it was before heaven and hell came into your lives.”</p><p>Dean throws his hands in the air. “You’re an idiot, Cas, come on! Is that why you never came?”</p><p>Cas shrugs. “I know we angels gave you a lot of sorrow, and you have no idea how much I regret everything my brethren and my father put you through.”</p><p>Dean huffs a breath. “Not your fault.”</p><p>“Yes, it was. I was one more pawn in the game at first ,but I became the one closest to you. And every time I tried to do something right, I just brought you more grief,” Cas rambles on,  “and if I had just stayed away, maybe things would’ve been easier. All the mistakes I’ve done… all the times I let you down…”</p><p>“That’s bullshit, Cas. What the fuck are you talking about? Since when I, we, didn’t want your company?”</p><p>Cas rolls his eyes. “Dean, I didn’t want to burden you anymore. I thought that… it was better that I stayed gone, and…eventually you and Sam would be alright.</p><p>“Oh, that’s so like you, Cas! Deciding things about my so-called wellbeing without telling me! Is this how you show you love me? Staying away?”</p><p>Dean’s eyes widen. <em>Where the fuck did that come from</em>? What the hell happened to his tongue?</p><p>Cas’ breath hitches and he looks at the ground, and even in the dark Dean can see his cheeks turning pink. Such a human thing…</p><p>“Dean,” Cas says, and shakes his head. “Don’t.”</p><p>Dean knows what this is about. He feels guilty already, because the last time they saw each other, Cas spilled his heart on the damn floor and Dean just stayed there, looking. “Don’t what, Cas?” he asks softly.</p><p>“You don’t have to say anything about… that. I said my piece, I… I spoke my truth. That truth still stands, it will always stand. Part of the reason I said it was because I thought… that I wasn’t coming back. But here I am, and here you are and, and I know how you feel. Rather, I know how you <em>don’t</em> feel. So, you don’t have to say anything, or do anything. It’s okay. Only… it may take some time before I fell less… mortified in your presence.”</p><p>Dean doesn’t know what to say. Cas has practically just said that the – the love thing was true. <em>Is </em>true. Well, Dean was the one that started this particular subject, the asshole that he is.</p><p>“Cas…” he knows he needs to say something, even if it’s not what Cas maybe would like him to say. “I had no idea you even could feel like that. I’m not, I’m - “</p><p>“If you’re going to say you’re not worth it, don’t bother. I stand by what I said, and every word is true. You’re the best human being I have ever known, and I’d like that you at least give me the courtesy of believing in my words.”</p><p>Dean is speechless. Once more, Cas is spilling his guts and Dean is silent. He’d kick himself in the ribs if he could. His courage had dropped to the floor somewhere, but he finds it. “Was it my silence that made you leave? That made you do that? ‘Cause if it was, it’s on my top five worst mistakes.”</p><p>“It was to save your life. I couldn’t let Billie take you.”</p><p>“So you made me watch the Empty take you instead,” Dean deadpans.</p><p>“I had to. It was that or letting you die, and I couldn’t let her hurt you and do nothing.  I’m expendable, Dean. Always have been. In heaven, on earth. But in that moment, I mattered.”</p><p>“What are you talking about?” Dean shakes his head. “You’ve always mattered to me. And coming here and not seeing you? Knowing you were around the whole time? It was a shitty move, Cas.”</p><p>Cas opens his mouth to say something, but he suddenly stops. He closes his eyes and frowns, as if hearing something. “I’m needed elsewhere,” he says. “I have to go.”</p><p>“What, now?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>Cas was never a specialist at Goodbyes. Curiously, Goodbye was the last thing he said before he died.</p><p>There’s a bright light, a white-blue bright thing that starts on Cas’ eyes and grows, grows until all Dean can see is light. Cas is not there anymore, but there’s a huge beam floating against the night sky. Dean can see the tips of two huge, white wings coming out of the white-blue light. The words “<em>multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent</em>” comes to his mind and he knows that he’s looking at Cas’ true form. Even though it’s probably wise not to look directly at it, Dean can’t turn away and, well, maybe one of the perks of being dead is that he can look all he wants and his eyes are still working. Cas is <em>awesome</em>.</p><p><em>Now</em> Dean is truly speechless. He’s never seen something so wonderful in all his life/death. In awe, he sees Cas going higher and higher, and he murmurs, more to himself, “Don’t take too long to come back, Cas.”</p><p>“<em>I won’t</em>,” he kind of <em>knows</em>, halfway between his head and his chest. What he really hears is a high-pitched sound that he knows it’s Cas’ true voice, but now his ears don’t bleed and he can understand what he’s saying. Wow.</p><p>The last thing he wonders before Cas goes up so fast that he looks like a comet, disappearing in the starry sky, is how can someone so fucking amazing like that can have such a low opinion of himself.</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>7.  Pretend you’re ok with the fact that you never see him anymore. Eavesdrop every conversation to try to get a clue of his whereabouts.</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“There’s some kind of rebellion up north,” Jack says. “Castiel was called to help with it.”</p><p>“Why didn’t you go with him?” Sam asks.</p><p>They’re in the bunker, of all things. Cas hasn’t come back, but here and there he comes to see Dean in his dreams, and at first Dean thought it was a regular dream, until Cas told him that the bunker was ready, and if he wanted to move there, he could.</p><p>And there was a freaking awesome replica of the bunker up the hill; the only home Dean ever remembers besides Baby, minus the dungeons and the endless corridors. But the important parts are there: the war room, the kitchen, bedrooms, library, garage, Dean’s cave. Sam decided to live there with him, and it’s been a week – or is it a month? Hard to keep track of things here – when Jack finally came to visit. He asked for a homemade burger, of all things, <em>Dean’s</em> homemade burger, and before he started, Dean was going to ask him if he wanted chili sauce with it. So, <em>he isn’t eavesdropping</em>, he’s not a gossip kind of guy. But Jack and Sam are talking in the war room, and when he hears Cas’ name, Dean stops before they can see him.</p><p>“Because the rebellion is about me, partly, Castiel thinks it’s not wise that I go. I trust his judgement.” Jack says. “Some angels think I’m too young to rule the universe.”</p><p>“You <em>are</em> pretty young,” Sam snorts.</p><p>“Well, there’s the fact that some of them still resent Castiel because of his past actions. It’s hard to forget he said yes to the devil, and I’m afraid an angel’s memory is endless. Theirs certainly is.”</p><p>“He did that so I didn’t have to,” Sam says, regret in his voice.</p><p>“Of course he did.” Jack’s voice is laced with amusement. “Everything Castiel did since he rescued Dean from hell was to protect him; then you two; and, in the end, me too. He’s the most human angel I’ve ever known; he has a heart. That’s why my mother chose him to protect me.”</p><p>“He wasn’t always like this.”</p><p>“Oh, I know, he was a dick, Dean told me. Like all the other angels here. I’m trying to teach them how to think for themselves, but it takes time. And every time a group decides I’m too young to rule, or Castiel is still unreliable, or both, he goes there  and tries to convince them to come back.”</p><p>There’s silence for a while, and Dean is caught between wanting to step inside or waiting to hear more about Cas.</p><p>“I suppose I should be glad,” Jack goes on. “If they decide to go against us, it means they’re starting to understand free will. If Castiel changed, so can they. Although, he’s always had an incentive, which they lack. Anyway, Castiel is good at convincing them; even if he’s my father, he wouldn’t be my commander if he wasn’t a good strategist.”</p><p>“Nepotism, huh?”</p><p>“Not at all. I offered to turn him into an archangel, since there’s no one left… but he insisted he wanted to remain a seraph. He’s very down to earth, so to speak.”</p><p>“Will he be alright?” There’s worry in Sam’s voice. “Won’t they get… I don’t know... violent?”</p><p>“Oh, don’t worry. He can handle them. Besides, if they kill him, I’ll just bring him back.”</p><p>“What the fuck?” Dean almost yells, finally  going inside. “You’re just gonna let him die? What the fuck, Jack? Dying hurts!”</p><p>“So, you <em>were</em> eavesdropping, Dean,” Jack laughs. “and yes, I want chili sauce in my burger.”</p><p>“You knew I was here?” Dean knows his face must be comically red now, but he doesn’t care.</p><p>“I know everything,” Jack simply says, “and Bobby Singer was teaching me about pranks and sarcasm the other day, so I decided to do a little test.”</p><p>“With me,” Dean deadpans.</p><p>“Yup!” Then Jack says, more serious. “He won’t die here, Dean. I have his back.”</p><p> </p><p>-----</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to embarrass you,” Jack comes to the kitchen when Dean’s doing the dishes, after dinner. Sam is… somewhere under a pile of books, probably.</p><p>Dean just shrugs.</p><p>“I know you worry about him,” Jack continues, “I worry too. But Castiel is very, very old. And wise. He may not have always known what he was doing in the past, but he knows now. He’s in his element. You should see him in battle,” there’s pride on Jack’s voice. “he’s spectacular.”</p><p>Dean thinks of Cas’ true form and the way he gives every bit of his focus in a fight, and well, he has to agree with Jack, Cas fighting in heaven must be something to behold.</p><p>“He went furious when he knew you were going to die; he spent ages complaining about how you were supposed to have a long and happy life. And then he built this part of heaven for you himself. But… dying young was always in the cards for you, Dean. I’m sorry.”</p><p>“It’s okay,” Dean shrugs again. “I’m happy now. And I didn’t want to have gray hair anyway. Been there, done that, didn’t like it.”</p><p>“Are you, really?” Jack asks. “Happy?” He looks genuinely worried, like he doesn’t already know the answer.</p><p>“If you know everything, smartass,  why do you ask?” Since Jack knew about the chili sauce before Dean said anything, it stands to reason that he knows every freaking thing inside Dean’s head, right? “And stop reading my thoughts.”</p><p>“So, stop projecting them everywhere,” Jack arches one eyebrow. “You make it really difficult not to listen. And when I ask if you’re happy, it’s not because I want to know. It’s because I want <em>you </em>to know. There’s a lot of things you already know but you don’t <em>realize</em>. Not yet.”</p><p>“Like what?” Dean is getting annoyed by this enigmatic version of the kid.</p><p>“Oh, you’ll get there,” Jack pats his shoulder solemnly. “You’ll get there. Now, how about getting a job, so you and Sam don’t get too bored?”</p><p> </p><p>-----</p><p>The job Jack found them was as “newcomers’ advisors”. Apparently not everyone is okay with dying. Hunters are particularly difficult to come to terms with the idea. So Dean, Sam, Eileen and Bobby help them getting used to it.</p><p>Mostly, they talk. They show them the neighborhood, explain how heaven works. Help building their houses, finding their loved ones, keeping track of family that’s still on Earth, things like that. It’s something to do, and Dean’s glad to have this to fill his days. Like Ellen said, he’s a hunter; he can’t stay home and do nothing but an endless string of family and friends’ reunions. The boredom would kill him if he wasn’t already dead.</p><p>It’s a good thing Jack has been doing here. Heaven residents are organized in teams and they have work to do. If they want to, of course. No one is obligated to do anything they don’t want to. But there’s still a lot to build in heaven, it’s a huge place after all, so there’s work for everyone. People who’s been dead the longest and lived isolated in the eternal loop of their private heavens, have a little more difficulty adapting to changes; but they have literally all the time in the world. Feeling useful does wonders for Dean. Life goes on as it should. Well, not life, per se, but still a good one.</p><p>Cas never comes. He keeps appearing in Dean’s dreams here and there, and they talk about nothing and everything, like they always did. Sometimes, he watches Dean fishing, standing on the pier by his side; other times they just drink beer and talk side by side inside the Impala. Dean misses seeing him in person, though. He can’t exactly feel when Cas touches his shoulder, or when he pats his back. Well, he can, but it’s a muffled sensation somehow, the ghost of a touch.</p><p>And it’s not  enough.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>8.  When confronted with the fact that he’s more BAMF that you had realized, pretend you’re neither impressed nor slightly turned on.</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“Hello, Dean,” Cas says one evening, when he is in Dean’s cave watching Doctor Sexy reruns.</p><p>Dean raises his head to look at him and – Whoa!</p><p>Cas is in a golden armor, holding a huge sword, expression solemn. He… glows. Like, there are little sparks of light floating around him. And his wings… wow. Huge, beautiful black wings, making him officially the most amazing creature Dean has ever seen.</p><p>“Cas!” he says dumbly, and he can’t stop staring. He has the vague notion that he needs to close his mouth,  but he’s in too much of an awe to do it.</p><p>“I need your help,” is all Cas says, and he puts his hand on Dean’s arm and –</p><p>They’re outside, in the bunker’s rooftop, which is an awesome place to be, because Cas built it on a hill, the sky seems so close and you can see the lights of people’s houses down below. It’s almost as if you’re suspended between heaven and Earth.</p><p>“You alright?” Dean asks when Cas winces a bit after they land.</p><p>“Just a minor scratch.”</p><p>“Lemme take a look,” Dean says, his hands already on Cas’ shoulders, looking for a way to take the armor off him.”</p><p>“We don’t have time. We need to go to hell.”</p><p>Dean blinks. “Come again?”</p><p>“Rowena, she sent me a message. Apparently, the rogue group of angels that didn’t want to follow Jack, joined with a group of her demons who were showing… discontentment with her leadership. They’re wreaking havoc down there and Rowena’s having a hard time controlling everything.”</p><p>“So heaven will help hell. Huh.”</p><p>Cas shakes his head no. “Not heaven. Just me. No other angel would follow me down there. But, as you see, I’m a bit hurt and I can’t go on my own. I was thinking that maybe you and Sam could help me.”</p><p>“What about Jack?”</p><p>“I can’t contact him now. He’s in the Empty again.”</p><p>“Why???”</p><p>“We need archangels, Dean. Heaven is too big, and we need someone with power enough to contain everything while others rebuild. I – I can’t do everything alone, and… we need someone with more power, who’s not Jack, in case he needs to be away for a while. And I – I don’t want more power. We already know how I acted when I had more power than I could deal with. More pride than compassion.”</p><p>“Come on, Cas, that wasn’t you,” Dean reasons.</p><p>Cas gives him a curt and serious nod, like he’s saying, “<em>I don’t agree and I don’t want to go on with this subject</em>.” But what he says is “Jack went there to try to find and rescue Gabriel. He won’t be back anytime soon. Will you help me?”</p><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>------</p><p> </p><p>Of course Dean will help him. And so will Sam, Eileen, Bobby, Mary, John, Rufus, Ellen, Jo. Some of them are a bit worried about going to that  place – well, it’s hell. But they don’t shy off a good fight, and most were already missing their old hunter’s life, with the absolute lack of things that go bump in the quiet nights around here.</p><p> </p><p><strong>9.  </strong> <strong>Here is the part where you have an epiphany and see that, even dead, you’re still emotionally constipated, and you fell in love with him.</strong></p><p> </p><p>“Cas, wake up. Please.”</p><p>Dean holds Cas’ head between his hands, but the angel’s eyes remain closed. He doesn’t need to breathe, so there’s no way for Dean to be sure he’s alive. Rowena said he is, but still, the lack of movement in unnerving.</p><p>“You sure you can’t help him?” he practically roars at her. “Isn’t there <em>anything</em> you can do? What kind of witch are you?”</p><p>“The dead kind, dear,” Rowena answers drily. “I still have my powers, but they obviously don’t work here.” She looks around. “I’m amazed I was even allowed to enter this place. It’s… a little on the ordinary side.”</p><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>.</p><p>Since there was no one with enough power to open a portal for them, they decided to lay siege in hell the old, fashioned way. Cas knew a backdoor, but it was, of course, guarded. Half the group came in from the front and the other half from behind. A few more hunters, recruited at the last minute, formed a group of twenty something people. Cas, the badass he was, came in from above, breaking everything on his way (“<em>Just as I did when I rescued you, Dean</em>,” he said).</p><p>Of course, things went wrong. Of course. None of the hunters died, because first: they were already dead and, second: every single one of them had killed demons before.</p><p>The angels were a whole different thing. Sam and Dean went straight for them, no time to waste. Despite their experience in dealing with them, these ones were more than dicks: they were <em>angry dicks</em>.  “Winchester,” one of them snarled, as if it were an insult, and their attack was fierce and fast. But Sam and Dean knew a lot of fighting tactics and, little by little,  they made their way towards the throne room.</p><p>Rowena was nowhere to be seen, but behind a huge, closed metal door, Dean heard her yelling “Take your angel hands off me!”</p><p>After a while, the group of hunters dealing with the - now dead - demons joined them and, together, they started getting rid of the angels. Dean didn’t know the repercussions of killing an angel in hell, and frankly, he didn’t care. It was hard to believe the dicks were together with the demons in a plan to restart, once more, the freaking apocalypse. Again. One more time. But it was true, Cas had told them on their way here. Besides being dicks, they had no imagination. Getting rid of them was long overdue.</p><p>Sam kicked the metal door when they heard a whooshing sound.</p><p>Inside, Cas had Rowena in his arms. Around them, several dead angels. She looked a little dizzy, her head on his shoulder. He looked a little winded,   and he gasped “We need to leave,” before disappearing in a beam of light. Dean and the others needed to go back the way they came: going up seven levels of steep stairs.</p><p>When they arrived back in heaven, Dean had no idea where Cas and Rowena went, but on a hunch,  he went to the bunker. Rowena was sitting at the war room, elbows on the table, red hair in disarray, head in hands. She looked shaken.</p><p>“Cas?” is all Dean asked.</p><p>“In your room,” she answered.</p><p>.</p><p>So, here they are. Cas is on Dean’s bed, still in his armor. Dean has no idea how to remove it, and he’s afraid to move him.</p><p>“One of the angels had a blade near my throat,” Rowena’s voice trembles slightly. “Castiel started to talk to him, trying to convince him to let me go. The other came from behind and he didn’t duck in time.” She opens her hand and shows them an angel blade, dirty with something slimy, silvery and shiny, almost like mercury.</p><p>Angel blood. Cas’ real blood.</p><p>“It didn’t go all the way in,” Rowena says. “I think he collapsed as soon as we got here. When I came to myself, we were on the floor. I helped him get to your room. He closed his eyes and…” she trails off.</p><p>Dean nods slightly. “Cas…?” he tries again. But Cas is still like a marble statue. All Dean can think of is that Cas was already hurt when they went to hell, and on top of that he was stabbed, and now he – he shakes his head to send the dark thoughts away. Cas can’t die here, can he? Dean has just killed a couple of angels a few hours ago, but they were in hell. Do angels die in heaven?</p><p>“Dean?”</p><p>Jack’s voice is like music to Dean’s ears. The young man stops by the door, all wide eyes. He approaches them slowly, staring at Cas. When he gets close, he puts a hand on Cas’ chest and closes his eyes. For a few seconds they just stay there, completely still, as if suspended in time, but Dean’s heart is aching inside his chest, so he knows this isn’t a nightmare.</p><p>“There,” Jack says. “I closed all the wounds.”</p><p>“All the wounds?” Dean asks, dumbfounded. “As in, a lot?”</p><p>“Too many,” Jack answers. “Angels fight aiming to kill, never to just hurt. But he’s going to be alright now.”</p><p>“He’s still not waking up.”</p><p>“The damage was in his true form, no less. He needs some time to recover, to replenish his grace. He’ll wake up, Dean. He’ll be alright.”</p><p>Dean can’t hold an angry huff. “Stupid angel. He had to go and help Rowena and put himself in danger like that.”</p><p>Jack shrugs. “He always felt at least partially responsible for what happened to her. After I brought him here, they kept in touch.”</p><p>“So like Cas,” Dean shakes his head. “The idiot’s born in heaven, a badass commander, but he has to go and make friends with the sorry ass humans, he rebels, falls, sacrifices himself a handful of times… befriends a witch queen of hell, almost dies – again – in a mission to save her because he feels he owes her something.” “<em>And who told him he was responsible for her death, asshole?</em>” his mind offers.</p><p>“You know Castiel. Always happy to bleed for  someone.”</p><p>“Jack, get out of my head!” Dean snaps.  </p><p>Jack raises his hands in a pacifying gesture. “Hey, it’s not my fault that you were thinking of Cas saying he was ‘always happy to bleed for the Winchesters’. Your thoughts are all over the place, very loud, I should add. If you don’t control them, they just fly to my head. For example, right now, you’re thinking I’m an asshole, and also wondering what you’ll do for the rest of eternity if Castiel dies.”</p><p>“Fuck, Jack, come on!”</p><p>Jack blinks and suddenly Cas’ armor is gone. He’s in his old attire – suit, tie, trench coat. Then he puts a hand on Dean’s arm and squeezes a little, forcing him to raise his head and look at him.</p><p>“Castiel will wake up. I promise. But the thing is, you shouldn’t be worrying about what you’re going to do if he dies. Rather, what you’re going to do if he <em>lives</em>. He’s here, Dean, and so are you. What are you going to do with it?”</p><p>“I have no idea what you’re talking about, man.”</p><p>“And that,” Jack gets up and looks at Dean sadly, “Is why Castiel’s greatest joy so far was just in the saying, not in the having. You’ve wondered why he thinks so little of himself… but have you ever given him any reason to think otherwise, Dean?”</p><p>Jack just disappears in the air, one moment here, the other gone.</p><p>Dean feels like he’s just been punched.</p><p> </p><p>-----</p><p> </p><p>A day and a night come and go, and still Cas sleeps. Dean never leaves his side. Sam comes, offers him soup, then beef jerky, then a beer. Dean refuses everything. It’s not as if he needs to eat.</p><p>“Dean – “ Sam starts.</p><p>“Not now, Sammy,” Dean closes his eyes. “I know you’re worried, and I appreciate it, but I can’t.”</p><p>“Jack said… um… that I should leave you alone, that you have a lot of thinking to do. So, if you need anything, I’ll be in my room.”</p><p>Dean just nods and Sam goes.</p><p>The room is dark except for a bedside lamp, projecting shadows on Cas’ face. Looking at him, Dean shakes his head again. Stupid angel. Beautiful, beautiful creature that came into Dean’s life more than twelve years ago and saved him so, so many times. Someone Dean can count on. Someone he can’t live without.</p><p>Wait.</p><p>He can’t live without Cas. Even if he’s technically dead, spending heaven-life without him is something Dean can’t conceive.</p><p>Shit.</p><p>Suddenly, everything is so clear that Dean doesn’t understand how he could be so dense. All this time, and his stupidity let him spend his life thinking he was unworthy of love, when in fact… he was loved by the most awesome person that ever existed. And he loves this person back just as much.</p><p>He does, doesn’t he? He has always – shit, he has always loved Cas back, and why the fuck did his stupid brain not get to this conclusion before?</p><p>Yep. It’s official. He’s a moron.</p><p>Jack knew, of course. That’s what he meant when he said Dean had a lot to think about. Even Sam, he probably knew too, judging from the faces he made whenever Dean and Cas started one of the many bickering sessions they had. Or one of the staring contests. Meg, Crowley, all the times they, and so many others, implied there was something between Dean and Cas, and Dean thought they were just trying to piss him off.</p><p>He spends a long time thinking, not realizing he has one of Cas’ hands between his. It’s like a twelve-year film is passing inside Dean’s head. Long stares, small touches, soft and private smiles, stupid choices, sacrifices… it was all there for anyone to see, but Dean was blind, how could he be so blind? Cas’ love for Dean was written in everything he did since forever.</p><p>Dean, on the other hand… looking back he can see, clear as day, the many, many times he was a dick to Cas. He never gave him a reason to stay, then complained because he left, even if he never stopped him from leaving. He never let Cas feel appreciated. He hardly ever thanked the  guy for saving his ass. He doubted him; he blamed him; he kicked him out of the bunker when Cas was human and vulnerable. He doesn’t deserve Cas’ love. Cas could do better.</p><p>But the thing is… he has Cas’ love, and what he’s going to do about it? Because, on the other hand, Dean can also see the trench coat that spent ages in the Impala’s trunk. He can see his bloody hand punching a door when Cas was dead. He can see himself spending almost a year looking for Cas in Purgatory, and refusing to leave without him. So many, so many small things that he always labeled as friendship, but now is so, so clear it was... so much more.</p><p>“Cas,” he closes his eyes. “Hear me. Please.” He’s praying, taking a leap of faith here, and he hopes it will work. “You need to wake up. See, I have something to tell you, but you need to be awake for that, ‘cause it’s very important and… it can change everything. I need you, so please, please – “</p><p>“Hello, Dean.”</p><p>
  
</p><p><strong>10.  Tell him how you feel. Live</strong> <strong>/die happily ever after</strong> <strong>.</strong></p><p>
  
</p><p>They’re on the bunker’s rooftop again. It’s becoming Dean’s favorite place.</p><p>Rowena has gone back to hell, once her lackeys got rid of all the bodies. Jack went back to the Empty, they’re negotiating Gabriel’s release. Sam, as soon as Cas woke up, remembered he needed to visit Mary and John asap.  </p><p>So, Dean and Cas are alone.</p><p>They’re sitting on the rooftop, feet dangling, and Dean has a beer in his hands, more to have something to hold and ground him than for drinking.</p><p>“Cas, “ he starts. But he has no idea what he’s going to say. Rather, he has, but he doesn’t know <em>how</em> to say it.</p><p>“Yes, Dean?” Cas’ profile, illuminated only by the moonlight, almost shines. Everything about him seems to shine, like he’s so beautiful and perfect inside that the light can’t help but spill to the outside. Technically, he knows that’s Jimmy’s face. But it’s so different from Jimmy’s. The hair in disarray, the so very blue eyes with a hint of silver, the perpetual frowny face... Traits that make Cas unique, traits that no one else has. And Cas’ gutural voice, no one has it. For Dean, Jimmy is ordinary. Cas, he can’t get out of his head. Not now, that he <em>knows</em>.</p><p>“You said you had something to tell me,” Cas says. He’s not looking at Dean, and there’s a slight tremor in his voice, almost as if he’s afraid to know what Dean has to say.</p><p>Dean clears his throat. Here goes nothing. “When you died… the last time you died,” he starts.</p><p>“Dean, please,” Cas almost begs. “We don’t have to talk about this.”</p><p>“What if I want to talk about this?” Dean blurts out.</p><p>Cas cocks his head to the side. “Dean?”</p><p>“It made me think, Cas. What you said, it made me think. But… I didn’t want to think. Because… it hurt. It hurt so much that I put a lot of stuff on top of it, shoved a lot of things under the rug so I didn’t have to see what I’d wasted.”</p><p>“I don’t understand.”</p><p>“Bear with me. You will.”</p><p>Cas only nods, but his eyes are a little anxious, a little wide.</p><p>“Then the freakin’ metal bar came. I didn’t want to die, you have to believe me. But – but I didn’t want to live like that either, going through the motions, trying to honor your sacrifice with a happiness I didn’t really feel. And I couldn’t see a way to change it. I was looking for a job, already knowing how it’d be. The empty feeling inside me, just like when I was with Lisa and Ben; I had an apple pie life, I had a family, a job… and inside me there was this void they couldn’t fill.”</p><p>“I thought you were happy,” Cas murmurs.</p><p>“Yeah, sometimes I’m good at pretending. But listen to me, I’m not finished yet.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>“So, when the metal bar went straight to my lung, I knew that the little time I had to live… I didn’t want to waste it in a hospital, I needed Sam to know that he was my everything. He was, Cas, because that’s the way I was raised, that was drilled and imprinted in my brain when I was four. And, I had to tell him that, and if they took the bar off, I’d probably die right there, without him knowing it. I didn’t fight, not because I wanted to die. I just made a choice, and it was to let my brother know that he didn’t have to stay with me in the bunker forever, he could have a life. A normal one. I took him off from his apple pie life fifteen years ago, I needed to put him back.”</p><p>“Dean, this is… Sam was devastated. He’d have stayed with you, not out of obligation, but because he loves you.”</p><p>“I know, Cas. I know. But I was dying, man. My thoughts were all scrambled. I’m telling you this because I’ve given it a lot of thought, and you’re the first one I’m telling this. You’re probably the only one who will know this, ever.”</p><p>“I’m honored by your trust in me,” Cas says solemnly.</p><p>“Yeah, yeah, better late than ever, right?” Dean says, a little self-deprecatingly. “But listen. There’s more.” He takes a deep breath. “Some things you told me that day stayed with me. That I wasn’t the killer I saw in myself. That I was good. That everything I did was for love. But… now I realize that all that love, it was never directed at someone that should’ve gotten it the most, because he loved me when I didn’t love myself.”</p><p>“Dean, what – “</p><p>Dean raises his hand to make Cas stop talking. “The thing is… When you said those words to me, and I didn’t say anything… I should’ve said something. I should’ve. Even if it was just ‘<em>you’re important to me, Cas, don’t go</em>’. But I’m a coward and I didn’t say a thing, and you were just gone. I blinked, and you were gone, and I knew I’d never see you again.”</p><p>“I didn’t say it to be reciprocated, Dean. I said it because I had just had an epiphany and I was so happy for finally understanding that I could just say it, because it was the truest thing inside me for a long, long time. I realized that and… I had to let you know. But I wasn’t expecting anything from you, I didn’t want that burden on your shoulders. I didn’t want you to think you owed me anything.”</p><p>“But I did, Cas. I do. I owe you my life, more than once. I owe you my humanity and I owe you never giving up on me, even when I gave up on you. I’ve reached to the conclusion that I owe you everything that remains good inside me. And – and then you left and I – why did you have to sacrifice yourself like that?”</p><p>“It was out of utter despair, Dean. We were in a situation that we had no way of winning. And I… I looked at you, and your face, so devoid of hope… and you were <em>beautiful’</em> you were Dean Winchester! I held your soul in my hands a long time ago, and from that moment on, everything changed, Dean. I wanted to fight it at first, but it was useless. That was something my powers could never do, and for all the free will I had fought for, this one thing, what I felt for you, what I <em>feel </em>for you, is the only thing I have no free will over.  And in that moment of – of desperation, I knew I would give my life  for you again and again if I had to.”</p><p>“Cas…” Dean says, amazed. He can’t even begin to understand the love this timeless creature, this angel that was been around since the beginning of time, feels for him. It’s beyond his comprehension, but in Cas’ eyes he sees that every word is true. This love, this seemingly enormous thing that made Cas defy heaven and every order that Chuck, Naomi, Zachariah, Uriel, Raphael and everyone else ever gave him, it’s too much for Dean’s ordinary human mind to understand. He doesn’t understand the love Cas feels for him. But he wants it.</p><p>“I was… I was so used to you always being around that I didn’t realize that whenever you were gone, every time, Cas… you took part of me with you.”</p><p>Cas’ eyes widen. “Dean…?”</p><p>“You said I deserve to be happy. Then you built this – this heaven for me with all I could possibly want, but Cas… I could never, I can never be happy here - ”</p><p>“Dean, don’t,” Cas starts. “Please.”</p><p>“- not without you,” Dean goes on. “Never without you. You can put everything and everyone here, you can build me a bunker, a palace, I don’t care. If you’re not here, it will never make me happy.“</p><p>Dean inches closer, until his face is so close to Cas’ that he can see his long lashes and his blue, blue sparkling eyes. “So, I’m telling you…   that thing you said, back there, that you couldn’t have? You can have it, Cas. It’s yours. It has been yours for a long time, but I was too stupid to realize.”</p><p>“But Dean, how can you –“</p><p>“Shut up, Cas, don’t spoil the moment.”</p><p>“But I – “</p><p>“Shut up, Cas,” Dean’s voice is laced with fondness.</p><p>“But you – “</p><p>“Dean loses his patience, just a little. “Cas! For Jack’s sake!” Then he adds, softly, “I’m trying to kiss you here, so unless you really, really want to stop me, just. Shut. Up.”</p><p>Cas snaps his mouth shut.</p><p>Dean closes the distance between them and his lips touch Cas’, briefly, softly. There’s no electric current, fireworks, sparks flying, like in the paperback novels Dean will deny forever that he reads once in a while. There’s only this indescribable happiness. There’s this sense of “<em>this is it</em>” inside his head. Cas is it.</p><p>They come apart slowly, and Dean looks at Cas’ eyes, which are bright and moist, and Dean smiles, knowing that these almost tears are of happiness. The same happiness he feels, knowing that finally, finally Cas won’t go any other  minute of his life without knowing how much he is loved. Because he is.</p><p>“You’re my best friend,” he whispers, “and you’re it for me. So, if you want, we can, maybe… spend all eternity together?”</p><p>Cas smiles, the kind of rare smiles that scrunches his nose and wrinkles the corner of his eyes. The smile Dean has never seen in him, except when they’re together, laughing. “I’d like that,” he says. “A lot.”</p><p>“Alright,” Dean murmurs, going for another kiss.</p><p>They have all the time in the world, and they’re not in a hurry, so the kiss doesn’t end anytime soon, and morphs into another one, and in so, so much more. The moon in shining up in heaven’s sky, but Dean knows it’s a pale comparison to the shine in Cas ‘eyes.</p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>The End</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>About the author</em>
</p><p><em>Dean Winchester was born on January 24, 1979 to John and Mary Winchester in </em> <em>Lawrence, Kansas.</em> <em> He died on November 19, 2020. </em> <em>He is the couple's first child, four years older than his younger brother, Sam. He is named after his maternal grandmother, Deanna Campbell.</em> <em> Dean was raised as a hunter by his father, after his mother’s death. He lived the life of a nomad, eliminating several monsters, ghosts, evil spirits and demons and saving a lot of humans. He also played a crucial part in Apocalypse I, Apocalypse II, the Darkness Apocalypse and in Chuck Shurley’s (AKA The Almighty) demise. He also killed Adolf Hitler. Currently, Dean lives in Heaven, sector 24 – A, with his partner, his brother and his dog. He works as a Newcomers' Advisor. Mail can be sent to PO box KAZ 2Y5. </em></p><p>
  
</p><p>---- This booklet was published by Samandriel Books. Editor: Charlie Bradburry. All rights reserved.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>----</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>Snippet of life in Heaven</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“Sammy, take this.” Dean shoves the little booklet in Sam’s hand.</p><p>They’re in one on the many gatherings and parties around here. This time, it’s for Bobby and Karen’s vows renewal. Everyone is there, everyone is happy, dancing, smiling. Dean sees Sam in a corner, surreptitiously looking at Eileen, on the other side of the room, talking to Cas.</p><p>Sam picks the booklet. “How to fall in love when you’re dead,” he reads. “A guide by Dean Winchester.” He looks at Dean, frowning. “Did you… write this?”</p><p>“Dean shrugs, cheeks reddening. “Cas helped. But I did most of the work.”</p><p>“Wow, Dean,” Sam’s face shows his astonish. </p><p>“I mean… I figured this could help other people to solve their… unfinished business, you know?  I solved mine,” he says, looking at Cas, who is talking to Eileen using ASL. He’s really amazing. “If I solved mine, a lot of people can, too. Just – just don’t read it near me, or don’t ask me anything about the things I wrote there. It’s…  I still don’t like chick flick moments, okay?”</p><p>“You don’t fool me,” Sam smiles, holding the booklet close. “I know you’re a big sap. And I’m proud of you.”</p><p>Dean clears his throat. “I know you’re still in love with Eileen, Sammy. So, go and talk to her. Things are different here, but just because we literally have all eternity in our hands, it doesn’t  mean we have to waste it.”</p><p>Sam looks at Eileen again. “Yeah, you’re right. I’m… I’m gonna read this, and talk to her.”</p><p>“You do that. But maybe you’ll want to skip the part where things got really steamy at the bunker’s rooftop."</p><p>“Ewww, Dean! Come on! I did not need to that information!”</p><p>“I’m just kidding, Samantha, don’t get your panties twisted. ‘Cause, if I’d have to write about all the times things got steamy between me’n Cas since we got together, this would probably be R-rated.”</p><p>Sam slaps Dean’s shoulder, but he’s laughing.</p><p>“Ew, not again, jerk!”</p><p>“Bitch.”</p><p> </p><p>------</p><p> </p><p>“Did you give your book to Sam?” Cas asks.</p><p>Dean rolls his eyes. “It’s not a book, Cas.”</p><p>“It’s about us. For me it’s a book, and you’re not changing my opinion about it.”</p><p>They’re close, facing each other, and somewhere there’s soft music playing. Dean doesn’t even notice when he and Cas put their hands on each other’s waists.</p><p>“Dean, I… um… I’ve been wanting to talk to you about something,” Cas says, serious.</p><p>“Shoot.”</p><p>“Jack wants to build a new section in heaven, and I volunteered. And I, um… I need your assistance.”</p><p>“Sure,” Dean says. “What is it? A new bible camp?” he jokes.</p><p>“A beach.”</p><p>Dean frowns. “Did I hear you saying a beach?”</p><p>“Yes. Like… um… the Bahamas.”</p><p>“But… why do you need my help to make a beach?”</p><p>“I don’t need your help with the beach part. But I… I was thinking that maybe, if you want, you could um… build a cabin there. And…” Cas’ cheeks turn  an adorable shade of pink. “And of course, I’d have to go there and inspect it. And we would be… you know… alone. You and I. With no other angel or human soul around.”</p><p>Oh.</p><p>Dean arches his eyebrows. “Castiel Winchester, I didn’t know you had a devious side.” He widens his eyes. Oops.</p><p>“Winchester?” Cas’ eyes, if possible, are even wider.</p><p>It’s Dean’s time to blush. “Yes, um… if you want to. But if you don’t, it’s – “</p><p>“Dean. I’d be honored.”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>They’re swaying slowly, almost dancing together without even realizing it.</p><p>“Yes,” Cas says. “Would you be too embarrassed if I kissed you now?”</p><p>“Nah,” Dean smiles. He looks around. Every one of his extended family and friends is there. “They’ll all probably read the booklet, anyway. Besides, the only one that didn’t know we were boyfriends without the fun parts, was little ol’ me.”</p><p>“Good,” Cas says, kissing Dean, the kind of soft and unhurried kiss that leaves no doubt of the love behind it.</p><p>Dean kisses him back, his chest almost bursting with joy, with love. And, in his lips, Dean tastes the forever that awaits them.</p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>THE END</strong>
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